Friday, January 30, 2009

Picture Tag

This pic is so cute. My mom and I took Graydon to TX to see my grandparents in 2007. While we were there we went shopping at Babies-R-Us. They have a photo lab there so we had his 6month pics taken. If you can't tell he is nakie. Hee Hee

I tag my Mom now. Go to picture file on computer. Click on 4th file then 4th picture and explain the picture.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Who Am I?

"Who Am I" Point of Grace

I've tried to wrap my mind around the thought of you
I stretched myself so far I nearly come unglued
You hold the universe inside your hands
Still you thought of me
I can't believe

Is there no limit to your love for me
As shallow as this selfish heart can be
You are the maker of reality
And I stand in awe
You are God

Who am I
To understand your ways
Who am I
To give you anything but praise
Who am I
To try and solve the mystery
Behind the heart and soul of all that I believe
Who am I

You're every reason for my heart to hope
Creator of the things I've yet to know
You are the river for my thirsty soul
You are my desire
You are God

I am your child
I will follow, who am I?
You gave your life
For my tomorrow.

So I have heard this song a million times but when I heard it today, a light came on and I just had to post. As most of you know I have been struggling with the loss of our second and third baby (wow I could've been a mom of 3). I have spoken with my amazing family, faithful friends, and unbelievable church family about my feelings and doubts. Everybody had encouraging and truthful advice about coping with the loss of a loved one. I appreciate all of you for standing by us. But it wasn't until I read this passage in the book, My Upmost for His Highest, that things clicked.

"Jesus doesn't take us aside and explain things to us all the time; He explains things to us as we are able to understand them."

For the past 2 weeks I have been asking for answers from anyone who could give them to me. The truth is I have been asking the wrong people. NO OFFENSE. But I need to be turning to God. And while I am being truthful, I have been afraid to turn to God. I don't know why that is, I guess I am still hurt that God blessed me with the pregnancies then "took" or "recieved" them too soon than I was ready to let them go. But time is not in my hands, it's in His hands, and with that time He will reveal the reasoning when I am able to understand it. Even though I would prefer to know the reason why now, I understand that I might not ever know it in this lifetime, and by then it won't really matter because I will be with my family holding those two sweet babies.

But God is God and I am not. Who am I to understand His ways? Who am I to try to solve the mystery? Some great words came from a man of little words, Bert Luthi. He told Tyrel and I on Sunday that if we knew all the answers to all our questions there would be no need for God in our lives. We would be just as good as God is, and we all know thats not true.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Glory Baby

As most of you know by now, we lost our baby on Wednesday the 14th. What a hard and challenging week it's been. I can't even begin to describe the pain and grief that I am feeling. Just when I got to the point where I wasn't sad everyday from the first miscarriage, we found out we were pregnant. Don't get me wrong, we were trying and praying for another child. At first we were hesitant about telling people but figured it was better for people to know and pray instead of us sitting around and worrying about this pregnancy. So for 8 weeks we prayed along with many of you. I remember praying every night that this baby would be healthy. I truely wasn't scared. I had complete faith that God had heard all our prayers and this baby would be born healthy. But the day came when I knew that wouldn't be the case. I cried out to Jesus on the way to the Drs. office, Please Lord don't take my baby! Selfish I know but I couldn't stand to send another baby to heaven without seeing or holding it first. I think God knew that and He gave me that chance to hold my baby. Not quite the circumstances I was hoping for though. I keep thinking that each day will get easier but its not. Not yet anyway. I updated my playlist with songs that I listen to to help me cope. Sometimes I believe it but other times the fact that God took two babies from me over-shadows my faith in Him. If I can ask, please pray for my family as we continue to say goodbye to babies we never knew but love dearly.